Apostolic Lutheran Church

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When I Heard I Wept – Nehemiah Chapter 1:4

I couldn’t believe it. But scholars in Jerusalem have apparently unearthed scrolls showing that the disciples made Jesus up as a joke. That’s right they thought that it might be an amusing little caper that would last a few months before being discovered. Little did they know just how successful the ruse would be.

Archeologists found the scrolls in the ruins of what appears to be a 2000 year old tavern. Most of the scrolls are bawdy Armenian drinking songs like “There’s Nothing  Funner Than a Bethlehummer”, and “All I Want This Yuletide Is To Be Laid In a Manger.” But among the scrolls was a brief treatise from a fellow named Petros or Peter.

In the scrolls Peter writes in Greek in about 10 AD.

φίλος μας Μπερτ ήταν πολύ καλός στο να τα κόλπα κόμμα, σαν να γυρίζουμε το νερό σε μπύρα και το περπάτημα στην μπύρα, έτσι μου και τα αγόρια σκέψης θα πρέπει να προσθέσουμε μερικά κόλπα στο ρεπερτόριό του. Έτσι πήραμε φίλος μας ο Λάζαρος να προσποιούνται ότι είναι νεκροί και έχουν Bert «αναβιώσει» του. Από εκεί τα πράγματα μόλις πήρε από το χέρι. Δεν είχαμε ιδέα ότι θα πάει τόσο μακριά. Λυπούμαστε πολύ.

This tranlates to:

‘Me and the boyz are at a wake for our friend Bert who was creamed in a chariot accident last week. He was very good at party tricks, like turning water into beer and walking on beer, so me and the boys thought we should add some tricks to his repertoire. We got our friend Lazarus to pretend to be dead and have Bert ‘revive’ him. From there things just got out of hand. We had no idea it would go this far. We are very sorry’

I for one will not be giving a sermon this Sunday.

I think we’ll serve you with mint sauce and new potatoes down at the pub on Sunday.


Archaeologists excavating at the base of Mount Ararat in Turkey have discovered what they believe is a Giraffe Litter Box from Noah’s Ark


An excited Professor Mutha Fakir told the Associated Press this week “This is a magnificent find of Biblical proportions. We are very excited.”

The Litter Box is constructed of wood and is five cubits long by three cubits wide. Its sides are one cubit high.

Fakir says “According to Genesis 1:6 director’s cut God told Noah ‘Yeah go forth and make a box five cubits by three cubits and tall, for the long-necked spotted ones will shit from a great height and no poop splattering of the walls of your pleasant Ark should be tolerated.’

The litter box may have been successful since the interior of the box is filled with a solid mass that still smells ungodly.

Asked if any other litter boxes were found in the vicinity Fakir replied “No, just this one. But we are hopeful. We believe that giraffes were God’s chosen ones and he had intended to have them inherit the earth, but Noah bitched so much about the maintenance God placated him with the litter boxes.”

Boxes? Plural.

Yes, Fakir believes that the only animals on the Ark were giraffes.

“I think that after creating everything else God took a good look and thought ‘That’s my legacy. That’s proof that I exist.’ Why would anything as ungainly and so badly designed be on the earth. After all the giraffe requires three hearts to prevent itself from passing out every time it raises it’s head. The design is even worse than women where the intake is placed far too close to the output. Not a very sensible design. Henry Ford would have shaken his head in horror.”

After being carefully cleaned the Giraffe Litter Box will be sent to the Vatican where the Pope will hold a ceremonial banquet in it.

Interesting Giraffe facts:




The Point Of Ararat

While flying on my way to a mountain of boatiness I was pursued in the aisle by a fellow whose window overlook he craved mine. Carefully knowing what he seeked I sat close to home and waited.

On my pancakes I saw the surprise. They fainted and waited for illumination. It came too soon. For while my hat was dead my pants had merely fainted.

mount-araratAs we approached Mount Ararat, the scene of wet and varied animal types of thousands years past I sighed. Could trueness be in this? I was vastly whelmed.

When the bearded one was above and his son not apparent for several thousand years the rains came.

“Make me a pleasant place to put the smelly four-foot and two wing things, or I shall smite your unpleasant parts,” he told Noah, who in fear of having his unpleasant parts smitten, complied.

Then suddenly in May 2010 a translation clarification occurred and the newspapers rejoiced. A team of Turkish explorers had found woody bits at the base of mount Ararat and seemed pleased.

The Chinese members of the discovery team grinned widely and nodded heavily, sure that they had discovered the legendary ancient wok mentioned in the Bible (Genesis 8:4). My sureness was not as big. Why would a wok 300 cubits long float? There was no sense available to my ears. And how much sesame oil would have been needed to stir fry all the animals. My head ached with problems.

What I saw immediately convinced me, that if these oil test results were obtained on wok samples from the structure they had discovered on Mt. Ararat, then they had definitely not discovered the Ark mentioned in the Bible. I was made sad but clean. I sought to explain this to our conference call hosts, giving the reasons for my coming to that conclusion. I also strongly urged them to have further oil testing done on their samples, and other scientific tests performed on samples of a rope and white pellets we’d seen in the video footage and photos. I even suggested that they delay their press conference until such time as extra scientific tests had been done. And then back home we flew.

Not the world’s largest wok, but still worth a look: